Japan
Japan is a country in Asia. Actually, it is not in Asia. It is located on a chain of islands just off the coast of East Asia. We are at war with Eastasia. We have always been at war with Eastasia. What Japan Is/Is Not A little-known but vital fact is that Japan is not in China. By all rights, it should be—China is so big, and Japan is not—but it isn't. Also, if Japan was added to China, that would just make China even more crowded. It'd be like...a collision of crowded countries. It's important to address here that the Japanese and the Chinese pretty much hate each other, all because of the Koreans. Without the Koreans as the third wheel, Japan and China would be best buddies. In fact, all wars between Japan and China were started over Korea. Damn Korea and its spicy kimchi. Another quirk is that Japan is really not the apocalyptic land of tens of thousands of tall skyscrapers as seen in every single Japanese anime or manga. That would be China (see: Shanghai). In reality, most buildings in Tokyo are only 3 stories tall, because they need to be earthquake-proof, plus Godzilla keeps toppling them down. This is another source of confusion for people thinking Japan is in China. Japan is also extremely insane, shown by the video clip shown above. Japan During WWII Normal Japanese Life In Japan, people eat raw fish, rice, seaweed, and crunchy toasted tapeworms. They wear kimonos (basically dresses), loincloths (basically diapers), and straw hats (basically umbrellas). Their alphabet is a bunch of squiggly lines, making it virtually impossible for Westerners to understand what the hell they are trying to say in their writing. The Godzilla Threat Godzilla, one of the biggest haters of freedom of all time, has destroyed Tokyo on a number of occasions. He has posed as a defender of Japan, but will turn on them in a second because of his socialist agenda. When he tried destroying New York, the media exposed him as a transgender she-man. To prove how tough Americans are, we stopped Godzilla's rampage with Ferris Bueller. Is Godzilla on the Payroll of the Yakuza? According with sources the Yakuza controls 90% of the construction and building industry and 75% of the Real Estate Market. Now I am not saying that the Yakuza from time to time pays off Godzilla to bring reckoning and destruction on the Japanese, but have you notice that Godzilla has been driving around Monster Island in his Pimpmobile? Japan's Youth , New Empress of Japan and Otaku Goddess]] It is a known fact that the japanese as a whole are oblivious. They do not notice groups of teenagers transforming into gay outfits, and giant monsters attacking. Most scientists belive this is due to the fact that 99.9 percent of its population own cellphones and are rotting their own and each other's brains. Japanese Culture Japan's main export is animated porn, or hentai For some reason, everyone in North America loves Japan because they love to read manga. (written by Japanese people who have nothing better to do) Manga is a fancy word for drawings of idiotic people, all with bad hair fighting like a ninja, jumping in and out of trees plastered on extremly small pages. Oh yeah, it's in black and white, only because Japanese people have not yet discovered COLOUR PRINTING. The capital of Japan is Tokyo, which is fourth to New York City, Los Angeles, and Chicago (made in the U.S.A.) as the biggest city ever. So suck it, Tokyo! Killing oneself is also very popular among ethnic Japanese citizens, they call this "Harry Carey", and it is considered essential to everyday life in Japan. It involves standing on a bullet train, and juggling 5 baseballs while reciting haiku, if the suicide participant survives this, or drops a ball, they bring shame and dishonor upon their family. The only way to right the shame is by beating all 300 levels of Dance Dance Revolution and die in the process, and if they fail this, they are deported to Korea. The Japanese are also known for their love of American cars. For some odd reason, they've decided to call it bosozoku. This odd hobby consists of adding tentacle-like fins on a perfectly street-legal automobile, thus rendering it functional only for hentai racing. Those Weird Inventions The Japanese have a tradition called "chindogu" which roughly translates into "useless invention". They also have no color printing, which explains why manga is printed in black and white. Civil War As of 2007, the civil war occurring in Japan for 60 years had ended. It is not very popular here in the West, so it is not well known or understood, and therefore is irrelevant. But, after World War II, we had kicked the ass single handedly of the entire Axis, and we called dibs on Japan. We then made complete pussies out of the Japanese, by taking away all there dashi and used panties, and said they couldn't have any guns and must be this tall to ride. Japan, heartbroken (as if they had souls) ran into the mountains, crying like pussies. This is when King of the Samurai, Asian Mr. Pickles made a phone call to the all-knowing Papa Bear, and begged him (like a pussy) to save his nation from freedom hating, liberal, BEAR LOVING ninjas. Papa Bear as loving and caring as he is, was reluctant to help the soulless degenerates that plagued the island. But after receiving a holy vision from The Baby Jesus, decided to give it a try. There, he brought God to the Godless sodomites, and led a holy crusade against the Saddam Hussein led Ninjan Army. In 2007, Papa Bear and The Greatest Country On Earth finally won the civil war, by executing that asshole, thus ending the civil war with another ass whipping of Japan. Japanese Medicine Almost every aspect of Japanese medicine is more or less modern, except when it comes to the autopsy. Japanese autopsies consist of reviewing photographs, since everyone in Japan has a camera. Japan's health care is controlled by the Yakuza and we have clear evidence that soon they will control America's health care the new Socialist system known as "Socialized Medicine" (aka as Public Option). I for one welcome our samurai-sword wielding Yakuza overlords. Yakuza, do your worst! I am not afraid! Martial Arts Japan has lots of Martial Arts Masters, just like China, Korea, and other Asian countries, the Japanese people are all Martial Art Experts (well, most of them. The rest are just too weak or too busy being sexual perverts to bother with it...) Japanese Bears Japan has two kinds of Bears, the bearrorist, and the Pedobear. It is said that the Japanese Bearrorist is afraid of zombies... and the Pedobear is just intersted in lolies... Japanese Food Japanese food, like any other Asian countries, is soooo weird... I mean octopus flavored ice cream? Chocolate flavored tea?... Eel flavored candy???... The Japanese love seafood so much, they practically live in the ocean. They will eat anything that used to swim: * fish * squid * whales (see photo at right) * Aquaman * Seamen * Fur Seal Penis (an Ainu delicacy, with uses similar to viagra) The Japan Self Defense Force Navy Army Airforce Mecha K-ON: Gundam 00!! -- After the deaths of the entire Gundam 00 team, Veda activates the other branches of Celetial Being and does a global database matching of suitable replacement pilots and support staff. With a few emails and manipulation of the school results database, Veda arranges the candidates to the same school, one set up by Schenberg decades ago. The dossier: *Hirasawa Yui – Unlimited untapped potential. Capable of picking up skills at superhuman rates. DNA matching to innovator transformation 100% *Akiyama Mio – Phobias of public attention and supernatural events, however calm and even headed. Team player with extreme levels of intellect. *Tainaka Ritsu – Outwardly rash and gungho, however excellent eye/hand coordination possibly from obsessive computer game playing and high levels of mental reflexes *Kotobuki Tsumugi – Innovade child placed under care of the CEO of a Celestial Being shell company Kotobuki Corp. Was to be a bakcup to Tieria but as probabilities of actual activation was below threshold levels, was never briefed and awakened to full Innovade status *Nakano Azusa – Half sister to Soma Peiris. DNA analysis indicated untapped super soldier potential. Personality exhibits high levels of discipline and determination similar to her half sister. Celetial Being staff online at school *Yamanaka Sawako – New chief of operations. Initially rose to head of Celestial Being covert branch in the AEU after graduation from the same school. Assigned role as new teacher to oversee operation. Accomplished actress and musician *Sokabe Megumi – Current head of operations, to be transferred to the HRL after “graduation”. Will stay for a year as operations transfer to Sawako. Current role as head of the student council. *Manabe Nodoka – Innovade executing directive X-12A. Not aware of current operations as directive does not require knowledge of operation. As so begins episode 1 of Gundam!! Magical Girl Unit Cat Shit One "Top Sekret: Classified" Hello Kitty Shit One Godzilla Unit Transportation Railway System Railway operations are under the authority of Nehime and Rakan, two baby monkeys that are stealing jubs from hard working cats. Sumo Because of international pressure from foreign barbarians, the traditional sport of sumo wrestling has been turned into a girlie sport. Japan's Technology Japanese Robots Oh, crap... we are doom!!! They have sexbots now!!! Double Crap!! They now have a Japanese Terminator: The Japanator!! NOW THEY HAVE TRANSFORMERS FOR REALZ!!!! External Tubes * Japan turns commie, but South Korea Still loves you America! * Japan ready to invade US... again!! * Japanese terrorists and spies finally gets diploma! * Japanese School Girl Nerd * Japan's new secret weapon * The ultimate in cold, inhuman, shallow faux visual self indulgence: Japan's new robot wives! * Japan prefers 2-D wifu * Japan is getting old? You dont say... *Japan Remembers the Big Fireworks in the sky *Japan invents Holographic Pr0n BE RIGHT BACK, BUYING STOCK IN THE ADULT VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY *Anime Party to offer anime girls as wifu for Otaku's Votes *weeaboo Japanophile mascot great hit in Japan! *Japan unveils new Assassin robots *Japan's election to be the bloodiest since the Meiji Reform *Hippie Hentai Otaku Socialist Commies Seizes Japanese Government!!!! *Japan Betrays America AGAIN!!!! *Marijuana Epidemic invades Japan! *Japan's First Lady is actually an Alien!!! *Japan's Death Penalty wins "Inhumanitarian Award" of the Year (Damn you Texas! You can do better than that!!) *Japan to establish a new military world power *Duckzilla invades Japan! *Japan to hunt down killer whales *Dangerous American Foreigner Arrested for kidnapping children *Japan to send Gundam forces to Rio *Japan stealing our children!!! *Japan to release Virtual Sex Machine! *Japan rethinks relation with mooslim tyrant *Japanese hippies demands EU Asian Flavor! *Japan invaded by girly men! *Japan's New TV Show is a Hit: Obama is My Boyfriend *Japan to replace population with robots. Hentai sales declines *New Zealand declares war on Japan *Japan to release boring film about atomic zombies *Girlie Men invades Japan. Alert Threat: Red *Obama invades Japan *OBAMA BOWS DOWN TO JAPAN! US Now Part of the Japanese Empire! *Japanese Government needs help to combat series of tubes hippies *Otaku marries long time girlfriend. Video Game wife very happy *Trannies now invades Japan *Mythical land of Japan continues to be a Threat to Western Civilization *Aussie-Japan War Continues: More Whales to Die! *Crazy Hippie to stop Japan's old tradition *Japan continues war against hippies *Japan has the Jesus robot! *Japan invaded by a foreign loli! *Japan Ignites The Yaoi War *Japan's 50 years of television and they still dont have The Colbert Report *Japan outlaws hippie film: New studies suggests that dolphins are the new sharks of the sea *fails to use their CEOs properly *Japan to elect new Prime Minister *Ichiro Ozawa calls Americans Monocellular! How dare you! Some of us are Bicellular! *Mr. Ichiro Ozawa complements Western Barbarians *Child! Train or die! Your reward will be life! *Japan goes liberal, will outlaw Capital Punishment! *Tea Bagging now more Popular in Japan! *Japan welcomes 2-D wifus *Shrek visits Japan *Japan retaliates China's attack with gundamns and magical girls *Japan Outlaws Paris Hilton Importation *Homeless Welfare Queens invades Japan *Japan's first Robot Army!! Why isnt Obama doing something?! *landlords refuse to pay Ghostbusters for compensation *Walkman dies after 31 years of service *German Government still looking for Japanese fugitive for aiding Enemies of the State *MikuMiku Conquers World: All Hail Our New Anime Queen! *Feminazis hates Japan. Stop it, you are hurting it! *Japan's terrifying weapon: Moe *Japan already developing advances in Sexbot technology *Bear Worship dwindling *Japan's Pop Queen takes over the world *Japan conquers Poland *America is now safe from Otaku terrorists *Japan continues relentless world conquest agenda *Japan ready to conquer US *Japanese Glenn Beck upsetting our Chinese Masters *Japan unveils crazy technology to turn garbage into fuel. They are mad! Ha! Using garbage to power the world, they are mad indeed *Japan soon to sell mammoth burgers *Japan invaded by tentacle raep *Japan discovers that children are not the future *National Geographic betrays the Yakuza *Even their dogs are badass. No, really *Japan abandons Nucular Powah *Ghost of Town Mayor wastes tax payers yen on gigantic wall to stop future Tsunami in 2011. American tea baggers laugh *Real Japanese strikes shameful un-japanese traitors *Japan stealing our beer! *Japan powers their island with nucular truthiness